He's really the only guy I've ever loved, the one I'd do anything for. I'd give him chances over and over again, and he knows it. Everything was fine. Or they were up to the point where he talked to me less and less. And eventually, he just stopped talking to me completely. And we were over, just like that. But then, after awhile he'd come back, and the whole process would start all over again. It's like he's taking me for granted, and then taking advantage of the fact that I'd always be here when he comes crawling back. I don't know what to do. I can't let go. I can't move on. If I try, I start thinking about all the things that could've been, that could've happened. And I just get so overwhelmed with heartbreak and sadness, that I can't help but wait for him to come back and give him another chance, hoping that it will be different. I cling on to the hope that everything will change and just work out for once. I know that sounds absolutely and ridiculously stupid and foolish, but I can't help myself. I can't help how I feel. But then again, I don't want to sit here and allow him to break my heart into even more pieces than before. Gah, the things we go through for "love"...



"I miss you when something really good happens because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night, thinking of everything we've talked about, about that night we had together. I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel, like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forver stay in my heart, locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too...but I'll never know."
-I don't remember which book I read this from, but I absolutely love it.



My favorite Youtuber at this very moment? Tyler Ward. You should subscribe and listen to his original songs and covers. He's amazingly talented. These are a few of my favorites. :)



"Grief lasts forever. If it didn't, then it's not true grief. I know it sounds hard to believe, but once you stop fighting it and accept it as part of you, it's not such a bad thing. It'll still hurt, it'll still tear you apart, but in a different way. A more intimate way. You can use it. It's yours. It belongs to you. But the pain of grief...The pain you're feeling now doesn't last forever. It can't. It hurts too much. You can't live with that much pain- not forever. Your body can't take it. Your mind can't take it. It knows that if you don't get over it, it's going to kill you. And it doesn't want that. So it makes you get over it. I know you don't want to get over it, but getting over it doesn't mean forgetting it, it doesn't mean betraying your feelings, it just means reducing the pain to a tolerable level, a level that doesn't destroy you. I know that right now the idea of getting over it is unimaginable. It's impossible. Inconceivable. Unthinkable. You don't want to get over it. Why should you? It's all you've got. You don't want kind words, you don't care what other people think or say, you don't want to know how they felt when they lost someone. They're not you, are they? They can't feel what you feel. The only thing you want is the thing you can't have. It's gone. Never coming back. No one knows how that feels. No one knows what it's like to reach out and touch someone who isn't there and will never be there again. No one knows that unfillable emptiness. No one but you. You and me, love. We don't want anything. We want to die. But life won't let us. We're all it's got." -Lucas by Kevin Brooks.



All these things were connected, but at the same time, they didn't fit together. They were out of sync. It was like one of those puzzles where you have to slide the little tiles around to make a picture. All the bits are there, but until you get them in the right order you can't see what the picture is supposed to be. So that's what I tried to do -- get the bits in order. As the day wore on I just kept moving all the bits around in my head, trying to fit them together. But, unlike a plastic puzzle, these bits didn't keep still. They kept shifting around and changing shape. I'd work on two or three bits, get them sorted out, fix them together, and then I'd leave them for a while to go off and look at some other bits. But by the time I'd sorted those bits out, the original bits didn't fit anymore. They'd become something else. And then, when I went back to working on them again, the other bits started to change. It was infuriating. I kept at it, though, and by early evening I was pretty sure I'd gotten everything as clear as I was going to get it. It was still a bit shaky, a bit out of focus, but all the bits were in place and I could finally see the whole picture. The only thing was, it was an abstract picture, and no matter how hard I looked I still couldn't work out what it was supposed to be.


You know, it never really occurred to me how much your logic and emotions clash. Your mind wants something, but your heart says no. Your heart wants something, but your mind refuses. Now what are you supposed to do? People always say, "Follow your heart." If you were scared, you'd probably listen to your mind to avoid getting hurt. But if you were willing, you'd separate the most important things from the least important things in your life. Don't ever keep the people that would hurt you on purpose in any way. Don't ever keep the people that would go behind your back and betray your trust. Don't aim for the people that just sit there and expect you to do all the work for them. Aim for the people who are willing to fight for you, the ones who are already fighting for you, the people who are willing to bleed for you so you won't have to. Aim for the people who are always by your side, the ones you can always rely on and will support you for anything, the ones who respect you, not for who you should be or what you should do but for who you truly are, the ones who want to spend every minute of every day with you, the ones you can call at 3 in the morning just 'cause you couldn't sleep, the ones who are actually worth it.

Take it from someone who knows. Chances and people have always been my weakness. I've always listened to my mind instead of my heart because getting hurt is the last thing I'd ever want to happen. I've always been the person that had to give up what I wanted just to make someone else happy. I've always been the person that had to let something go just because someone else wanted it. In other words, I've always been a selfless pushover. It's time that I develop a backbone and put my foot down. From this day on, I'm gonna aim for what I want. I'm gonna do whatever makes me happy without asking for anyone's permission. From now on, I'm going to take every chance I get and I'm going to be content with it. No more doubts. No more regrets.

But how do you know if something or someone is worth it or not? You don't. You just have to learn how to take the chance whenever you can. And after you take it, no matter the outcome, at least you'll know. You'll be a stronger person because of it. You'll be more aware and hopeful of the thing or person out there that will be more than worth your time. So don't hold back. If you want something, go for it. If you want someone, tell them. Don't let anyone, especially yourself, tell you that you don't deserve it. Because we all deserve something in life, every single one of us, but we have to be willing to do whatever we can in order for anything to happen. Don't let your fears overcome your desires. Don't make yourself wonder what could have or might have happened ten years from now. Just take the chance. If it wasn't worth it, you'll move on with other chances. If it was, you'll move on with other chances. No matter what happens, you'll always have chances. You'll be glad, relieved almost, that you listened to your heart for once. Yes, there will be chances that make us realize just how much we can really waste our time. But there will be so many more chances that are worth all that effort. We're only human. It happens. We'll make mistakes and tell ourselves that they were a waste of time. But it's okay. Everything will be okay. You just have to get back up on your feet, continue walking, and be open to every opportunity that knocks on your door. Don't be afraid to be selfish for once. Sure, it seems like a lot to ask for, but it's really not. Just keep your heart open and go with the flow. Do whatever makes you happy. Besides, if you're not happy, then what's the point?